Time

I am acutely aware of the passage of time. I’m even more aware that I waste so much of it. Watching you boys grow up has been a blessing and a curse in that regard. It’s like being at an amazing restaurant with your best friends. The food is great and the conversation is wonderful. But you know the night can’t last forever. Sooner or later the check comes and you have to go home. The night will end and no matter how incredible it was it will just be a memory. There may be other restaurants, friends and conversation, but that one is gone.

I remember going off to college. Looking back on it now I didn’t realize how differently my mom and dad (especially mom) viewed that day. I was nervous about going out on my own. But I couldn’t wait to get there. I was smarter and wiser than everyone else I knew and I couldn’t wait to strike out on my own and show everyone. That’s a lesson for another time. Mom and dad were as encouraging and supportive as always. They helped me prepare for the move away from the home that I would, from this point on, just be coming back to as a guest. Sure, home would always be there. But from this point in my life on, it would be were I had grown up and not where I lived. At least not for any significant period of time.

I knew that time was tough for them, to see me pack up the most important things in my life and move them away from home. In a way, it’s the end of childhood. This little one you’ve raised and loved for his entire life is now out in the world, free to make choices for himself. And though you’ve tried hard to teach and instill a set of values you know some of those choices will have less than stellar results. I knew all of that on an intellectual level. I wasn’t blind to mom holding back tears when they dropped me off. What I didn’t realize was how profoundly they felt it. As time passes I understand those feelings much more.

I have always forced myself to be aware of time when it comes to you guys. I have all these memories of you doing so many things: falling asleep in my arms, holding my hand as you walked next to me, talks in the car while we drove on trips, sports and events. So many memories. But always, in the back of my head, was this voice reminding me that this time would pass. I couldn’t hang onto it, no matter how hard it tried. It’s said that Time is a thief. That’s not a lie. 

Wow. I must be fun at parties, huh?

The thing is, that outlook is not a bad thing. It keeps you aware of what matters. We value what we know we can lose. Even more so when we know we will lose it. That’s why mom and I have tried to be at every game, concert or special event. It’s funny to me when I hear a neighbor say “you guys play a lot of catch”. Yep. Damn right. A lot of times it’s even when I’m tired or busy with something else. One day I’ll miss it. And no matter how bad I’ll want it, it’s not going to happen again. Check paid. Memory made. And the memories, no matter how sweet, just aren’t as good.

However, even though I know all of this I have been reckless with time. I have hustled you through experiences I should have stopped and savored. I’ve allowed myself to be a slave to a busy schedule that had me thinking I had to be somewhere more important when it was really just the next place to be. Worst of all, I remember times putting you to bed when I could have, should have, stopped, stayed and talked with you about anything at that point in time. But you tell yourself you’re tired or there’s that thing you have to do. It’s funny now that I can remember not taking the time but I can’t for the life of me remember any of the things that stopped me from doing it. There’s a lesson there about what’s important.

Now I could spend a lot of time and effort kicking myself over all those moments and how I could have been better or done something else. That’s life. We have regrets. You also have to remember not to live life in reverse. Regrets are something to use moving forward, not reliving looking back. We are imperfect creatures. We can’t fully maximize ourselves every moment of every day. Be kind to yourself in that regard. But use those regrets. Knowing that I should have done something differently in the past teaches me to do it better in the future. I make time to ask you about your day or play catch or just to sit and talk about anything. What I sometimes consider a mistake or a regret has led to some of the best moments I’ve shared with both of you. Because I am conscious of the passage of time, the finite amount that we are given, I have had moments when I stopped and drank it in. My phone is full of pictures of times when I thought, “I want to remember this just like it is, right now.” I am beyond thankful for that.

It is inevitable that some day you will fly from the nest. I will watch with pride when you do, hoping that mom and I have instilled in you the tools to navigate the world. I’m also sure that every memory of you being the little guy who held my hand will come flooding back to me and I will hope that I at least got some of it right.