Boys, you’ve been lied to. More than once. It wasn’t mom or me who did it either. Worse yet, these lies are repeated to you almost every day by people who mean well but aren’t thinking about what they are saying. They are easy to sell because like all good lies you want to believe them. Believing them feels comfortable and makes you happy. But they still aren’t true and the sooner you know the better off you and everyone around you will be.
So what are they? Buckle up, here we go.
- Kindness is free
- Kindness is easy
- There’s not enough kindness in the world
I know, I know. It sounds like Dad is a little crazy. How can these be lies? If I’m right then the world has suddenly become a very dark place. Fair enough. But before you write me off as a crazy old crank yelling “get off my lawn” give me a chance to explain.
Let’s take the first two together, that kindness is free and easy. Sure, not everything is that simple all the time and of course there is nuance. I’m not here to nitpick the details and finesse why this isn’t true. It flat out isn’t. Doing a nice thing for someone doesn’t seem like it should be that difficult. Holding a door for a stranger or wishing them a nice day is simple, I’ll grant you that. There are a ton of little kindnesses that you can do in a day that are easy. Those things don’t make you kind. They mean you’re polite. Plenty of people will smile to your face and say “have a nice day” then mutter “asshole” under their breath as you walk away. Why? Pick a reason. Maybe they’re having a bad or they are just unhappy in general. Either way, not the makings of a kind soul. No, that’s not kindness.
Try this, that kid who sits by himself at lunch, the one everyone makes fun of. Go sit with him. Listen to your friends razz you for it. Watch that kid eye you suspiciously while he wonders what you’re going to do to him. Everyone else does. Why would you be any different? You’re just trying to be nice. Why wouldn’t he let you? Heaven forbid you actually wind up being friendly. Then your friends will tease you for hanging out with the “loser”.
How about standing up to a bully who isn’t bothering you? Maybe its two bullies. Doesn’t matter. They aren’t after you. They’re picking on some other kid. Easier to put your head down and keep moving. Nothing to see here. Helping would be kind. It would be brave. It would not be easy and may come at a cost.
Because life can be cruel sometimes, you will have friends who lose loved ones. Maybe it’s a parent too soon. Maybe, unthinkably, it’s a child. It would be far easier to not go to that funeral and support them. It’s far easier to not look them in the eye and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” That’s freakin’ hard.
I have had two dogs I loved very much. They were old, sick and suffering. Putting them down was incredibly hard. Some people might call that a kindness. It sure didn’t feel like it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I did it twice. I’ll tell you this though, I appreciated every friend that said, “I’m sorry you had to do that.” That was kindness
Now you could say these are outlying examples. Maybe. But these are examples of the types of kindness that changes lives. You never know how much having a friend at the right time can mean to someone. Never underestimate what true kindness can do to a person’s day. Kindness, genuinely given, can change the course of a life. Random acts of kindness from strangers can be a beautiful thing to behold. It can restore your faith in humanity.
That leads me to the last lie, that there isn’t enough of it in the world. Don’t hang out with cynical people who say stuff like that. If you look, really look, you will see examples of kindness in front of you every day. Some are simple. Hugs among friends passing in the hallway. People letting others cut into traffic at a busy time. That’s all there. You have to look a little harder sometimes. If you do you will see heroic efforts of kindness from some people. Volunteers taking groceries to housebound strangers. Neighbors digging each other out after a snowstorm. People in war zones caring for strangers. I once saw a news story about two neighbors trying to save their houses during a flood. When it became clear to one neighbor that there weren’t enough sandbags to save both of their houses he told the volunteers to take the bags from his house and finish the wall around his neighbors. That wasn’t easy. It wasn’t free. And if that’s not a huge helping of kindness I don’t know what it takes to impress you.
Mom and I wished a lot of things for you guys when you were born. You hope your kids are healthy. Smart is high on the list. It never hurts to be cute. All of those things were out of our control. One thing we could influence was whether or not you were kind. I can’t emphasize how important it is. As I mentioned before it can change or even save a life. But I want to be up front and honest. It’s not always easy. Being nice to someone who has been unkind to you is tough. Believe me, as a guy who has spent most of his professional life in customer service I can tell you that being nice to rude people who don’t deserve it can be a true test of will. Be kind anyway. I’m not gonna lie, a well-timed jab at someone can feel pretty good when they have it coming. Meanness is like sugar, okay once in a while but you can’t live on it. It eventually rots what it touches. Better if what it would ruin is not your soul or your humanity. Kindness is the opposite. It’s like eating well or working out. You don’t always want to do it and you’d prefer to do something else. But in the end the way it makes you feel is well worth the effort.
I’m no paragon of virtue and kindness. Trust me, I’ve been mean more than a few times. With rare exception I have regretted every one of them. Some of those times that I can recall I’m willing to bet I’m the only person who remembers. Yet they still stick with me. But life is about getting better and aspiring to higher things. I would love to think that you can learn from my mistakes. You can’t. You have to make your own. Let me give you this one piece of advice: Kindness is rarely a mistake.
Dad in a China Shop 