Confidence

There are countless examples of “The most important thing in life is…” to choose from. Everyone has their thing. Love, money, security, friendships, freedom, faith, etc. The list is long and full good examples. So allow Dad to chime in. The most important thing in life is…well, I put it in the title, so…yeah. You get it.

I will grant you that there are many more examples that sound better. Who doesn’t want love or happiness? Surely friends are important? Why not that? All of those are great. But I’m not making a list. I’m picking one thing, and in my mind, confidence is it.

One of the many things that time and experience teach you is that most people don’t believe in themselves. They have dreams and they don’t nurture them. They have plans and don’t execute them. Opportunities get missed due to insecurity and fear. If you put yourself out there, if you swing and miss, if you take a leap, all of those can lead to failure. Few people embrace failure for what it really is. But that’s another post altogether. Almost everyone has an inherent fear of failing. There’s nothing fun about it, especially when it’s big and public. It stings. It’s unpleasant. In general, it’s something we all try to avoid. Fear of failure is like a fear of heights. We all have it to some degree, so everyone understands it on some level.

That’s why confidence is so important. Being able to believe in yourself enough to take a step that others are afraid to try is incredibly empowering. First off, it helps you build your own belief in yourself. Even when you fail you will learn your limitations and capabilities. You’ll get better at whatever it is you’re trying to do. But far more rewarding is the reaction of your attempt, whether you succeed or not, on the faces of the people around you. Doing something that scares other people and making it appear you weren’t afraid makes you look like a freaking superhero.

A superhero?! Really, dad? Think you’re overselling it a bit?

Oh no, my silly little sidekick. Not in the least. See the world is populated with sheep. I know, that sounds so Alpha Maley and arrogant. Maybe. But it’s not wrong. Most people lack the confidence in themselves to try even the simplest things. Public speaking is consistently listed as one of the greatest fears the average human has. Think about that. Standing up in front of people and talking. Short of dying, most people would rather do anything else. In general, people are risk averse. It’s easier to stay comfortable and talk about what you’d like to do than it is to actually do it. It’s safer and no one gets hurt. And no one wants to get hurt. Look, I’ve been the sheep, too. I have passed on things I should have done or tried. I had a chance to do something that could have been outside of my comfort zone and I passed. Here’s the dirty little secret: I regret not doing every one of them. Every. Single. One. Maybe they would have turned out badly. Or maybe they would have been glorious. I don’t know. Not knowing is sometimes far worse than being embarrassed, looking foolish or skinning your knees. To steal a quote, boats are safe in snug harbors, but that’s not where boats were meant to be.

Ok, Great Font of Fatherly Wisdom, you ask, how does one gain such confidence? That’s easy. You fake it.

That’s right. I said pretend. You weren’t ready for that, were you? Look, the only way to learn a thing is to do it. Usually poorly at first. Rarely is the master created in the first attempt at anything. “We are what we pretend to be”, said Kurt Vonnegut. Now I’m not suggesting you bet your life savings on your first hand of blackjack. I wouldn’t start talking to girls by hitting on supermodels. Your first attempt in the batters box shouldn’t be against Nolan Ryan. (Nolan who? I’m old. Google him) Start small. Work your way up. You rarely learn to ride a bike without falling off. But if you’re brave enough to try and willing to pretend you will soon find yourself doing things that others can’t believe you can do. Do it long enough and pretty soon you realize you’re not pretending any longer. You’re good at it. Or maybe you learn you’re really not good. Believe it or not there is confidence in being able to say that you’ve given it your best but you just don’t have it. The trick in that is that you have to actually have given it your best. Most people quit well before they have a chance to fail.

Let me caution you against that dreaded imposter of confidence: arrogance. Though they can look the same there is a world of difference. Arrogance is confidence minus humility. It brags about what it can do. If it succeeds it taunts others with its success. When it fails people take joy in its failure. No one celebrates arrogance. They only sneer at it. Confidence is something that everyone admires, even if they don’t want to admit it. Arrogance wants to be celebrated and admired, before, during and after. Confidence appreciates those things but doesn’t need them to live. It goes about its business and moves along. Confidence approaches the girl and introduces itself. Arrogance tells its friends he’s getting her number and gloats if he does. Arrogance blames others for its failure. People root against arrogance. It’s the villain. And you should never miss a chance to be a hero.