Fair

Life isn’t. The sooner you get used to that idea the better off you will be. I know how that sounds. Dad is about to start chasing the kids of the lawn and complaining about the price of stamps. While that and regular afternoon naps are probably in my future, let me explain myself.

We get this idea when we’re kids that the world has a sense of balance to it. While that may be true on some level it’s not in the way we’d like to think. We want in in our everyday lives. In our interactions with people. We hope that when we do good then good comes back to us. It’s that whole instant karma thing. If you’re bad then bad things happen. If you’re good, well you get it where I’m going. Oh, if only it were that easy. You’ve been deceived. If you don’t come to grips with that then you’re in for disappointment.

Now you can blame a lot of people for this sense of fairness that’s been instilled in you. Mom and I are the first in line. It starts when you are kids. We teach you when to take “your turn”. One night you get to pick the movie. The next time it’s your brother. The pizza gets divided equally. And so on. We give you this idea that the world is an orderly place and it’s run by people who put fairness above all else. They teach you in school. For the most part, your friends feel the same way. If there’s an issue on the playground you run to an adult to set things right. Your whole childhood feels like it revolves around this premise. Like most things that adults do, it’s meant to teach you something and done in your best interests. What can I say? Sometimes we mess things up.

I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done. Quite the contrary. The entire exercise is done to try to instill in you a sense of what is fair. It’s good to treat people fairly. If you are viewed as someone who tries to find the balance between right and wrong, what’s just and equitable, then you will be seen as someone people can look up to and trust. That’s not a bad thing. But there are two problems with this.

The first is that the lesson goes too far. It sets up and expectation in your young minds that the world has no intention of living up to. You’ve been taught the game and the rules and sent out to play. What you find is that not only have the rules changed but the game isn’t the one you were told. Everyone has a different idea of what “fair” means. Some people didn’t bother to learn it at all and take advantage of those who try to be fair. That’s the second problem. Some people just cheat. It’s a mess. Worse yet, you thought there’d be a referee. Most of the time there isn’t. When there is they may not see your definition the same way either. Like I said, messy. The entire lesson gives you a false sense of hope, that fairness is important to everyone and they all have the same idea.

So what do you do? Easy. You give up some of that hope. You don’t expect fairness from others. Understand that most people will work in their own self-interest. It’s human nature. They’ll want the bigger piece of cake. They’ll split the check down the middle when they drank all the wine. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s not that they are bad people. They may not even know they’re doing it. But if you let it bother you too much you’re bound to ruin a lot of friendships. Give people a lot of room. Maybe your friend forgot that you got the check last time and thought it was your turn. Let it go. Just don’t let it become a habit. If you find people who take advantage of you on a regular basis don’t be a sucker. You don’t have to make a big show of it and burn a lot of bridges. Just move on. Don’t have people like that in your life. They can be toxic and you don’t need that kind of negativity.

All of that being said, don’t let it touch you. You need to be as fair as you can. Do your best to be honorable and treat people as well as possible. Even when they don’t always do the same. Do the best you can to be the best you can. People won’t always be fair to you. But you should be, as long as it doesn’t mean lying down to be walked over. If you can be fair when others aren’t in return it builds a great deal of belief in yourself. It can be difficult to do but it’s worth it.