Expectations

I can say with great confidence that most of the disappointments and difficulties you boys will have in life are because of expectations. Whether they are yours or someone else’s, they are going to cause you problems. Usually because you managed them poorly. Even if you do it well, they are a minefield for human interaction. That may sound apocalyptic, so let me explain.

Think of a time when you’ve been incredibly disappointed. Remember that feeling. Whether it was a pit in your stomach or just a crushing feeling of dread, I bet that memory is pretty clear, and uncomfortable, for you. Now how would you feel if I told you most of it was your fault? Dad isn’t winning any fans with that idea, is he? Before you give up on me think about what disappointed you. My guess was it’s the difference between what you expected and what you got. You had yourself all charged up and excited for something and it didn’t shake out like you thought it would. That can sting a bit. It can be anything from a joke you told your friends that fell flat or wanting something for Christmas that didn’t show up under the tree. What you wanted and what you got were two very different outcomes.

Now, you’re human so it’s hard to not have expectations. Unless you’re a Vulcan (yes, I made a Star Trek reference) you won’t have much luck avoiding them. We’re emotional creatures. We like to know what to expect. But as a wise man once said, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. Life would be a lot easier if we could just take it as it comes and live in the moment. We’re not wired like that though. We plan for stuff. That’s not a bad thing. It’s probably why your ancestors survived everything they had to go through. It helps to know that winter is coming and you’re going to have to eat and stay warm.

But that same part of us that wants to plan starts to get attached to those ideas. Plans come with expectations attached. Imagine planning a surprise party for mom. Think of all the time and detail you’d go through to make it special for her. You’re already picturing how it would go when she walked in the door and all her friends and family yelled “surprise!” Now imagine she said that she doesn’t like surprises. Think about how you’d feel. You’d feel that way because the picture you had didn’t match the reality you got. Life is easier without expectations, right? Good luck with that.

The secret is not to avoid them. The key is being able to roll with what you get. You can imagine how it will go. Just don’t invest yourself in that feeling. I know that sounds cold. I don’t mean it that way. It’s a lot easier to live in the moment than it is to explain to your kids how to do it. You generally get there through suffering some big disappointments. To use the surprise party example, instead of beating yourself for someone else reacting differently than you expected, tell yourself you did your best and enjoy the party. Lemonade from lemons, as the saying goes.

What you will find is that as difficult as reigning in your own expectations is, it’s nothing like trying to manage someone else’s. You know yourself pretty well. You know what you like and what you don’t. You have a good idea of how you’ll react to most situations. Other people are wild cards. That’s where life gets really interesting. Not only can you not expect other people to have expectations, you will be shocked how unreasonable some of them are. For example, if you ever date a woman who needs a “birthday week’, run. But I digress.

Look, it’s best to let people know what’s coming when you can. There’s a reason the nurse says “this is going to hurt” before they give you a shot. Actually, they usually don’t say anything. But notice they never say, “you won’t feel a thing”. They know that’s a lie and you’re going to hate them for it. If you understand that you can’t begin to control other’s expectations, you learn to manage them. You tell your boss you can’t get that report done in a day. But give them an honest expectation of your work. Then crush it. If your kids think they’re going to Disneyworld for spring break you better let them know if it’s not happening. Otherwise there’s a lot of crying and things get ugly. Oh, then the kids cry, too.

One of my favorite book characters has a saying, “Expect the best but plan for the worst”. It’s not a bad motto. The Boy Scouts (yeah, I still call them that) say “be prepared”. This is all good advice. You can’t avoid disappointment. It’s part of the human condition. But if you’re realistic with yourself and can let others know what to expect form you or the situation you will find that life is going be significantly more satisfying. Living in the moment isn’t always possible but if you can nail how to do it, even if it’s infrequently, you’ll find yourself happier more often than not. Letting go of expectations isn’t always easy. Do dad a favor and give it a try once in a while.