Regrets

Ben Franklin said that the only certainties in life are death and taxes. My opinion is that he forgot regrets. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have regrets and those who lie. Part of the human condition is that somewhere in our lives we wish that we had been better, done more or tried harder. There may be something you wish you hadn’t done. Regardless of what you call it, you will want a Mulligan at some point.

I’ve said and done some stupid stuff in my life. I learned something from almost all of it. Some of those things cause me to have regrets. Most of them are harmless and barely consequential. There are a few that were big and are uncomfortable or embarrassing to relive, even if I am the only one who remembers. We aren’t perfect creatures. We shouldn’t pretend to be. You should try to be the best version of yourself whenever you can. But no matter how hard you try, you will fall short of your own expectations. Sometimes that stings a bit.

For me, the things I regret most are where I feel like I fell short as a parent to you boys. I can remember times when I got mad when I shouldn’t have. I remember not being as patient as I should have been. It doesn’t take much to recall when I felt like a bad version of the dad I was trying to be. My guess is that you remember some of them as well but not near as many as I beat myself up over. I know that I don’t have to be a perfect dad. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel profoundly terrible sometimes recalling a look on your face over something I did or said. I know those moments are far outweighed by the hours we’ve spent doing all kinds of activities or talking about all sorts of topics. But to use an analogy I know you’ll both understand, you can go 3 for 3 at the plate and still kick yourself over the easy grounder you missed. That’s okay. You can want to be better. Just don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it and move on.

That’s good advice, if I say so myself. Then you become a parent and you start ignoring that kind of advice. I’ve said before that I felt like I was meant to be a dad. I can’t be happier than I am to have you two boys as my sons. You give me endless reasons to be proud of you. That alone should be more of a comfort than anything else that we’re doing the right thing by you as parents. For the most part that’s exactly how I feel. You’re good kids. I like to think we had something to do with that. From the beginning we made an effort to support your activities and interests. I think of the countless games of catch, camping trips, band concerts and such that we’ve done together. Those are some of the best times of my life. But here’s the thing, I am aware that one day you guys won’t be just upstairs practicing guitar or playing PS4 in the family room. You’ll be out in the world making your own way. It’s then that I will regret every time we didn’t play catch or Legos or whatever else it was that I couldn’t do right then. That’s irrational and I know it. I won’t let it wreck my day. But I’ll feel it. Just like I do right now.

Regret is something you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. You will do, or not do, something important that you will want to go back and fix at some point. You can’t. The best that you can do is sincerely apologize if necessary and keep moving forward. You don’t do yourself any favors ignoring regrets and pretending you don’t have them. But you also don’t get anywhere dwelling on them. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll have regrets. You’re only human. Just go out and be the best one you can.