Category: parenting

I realize that in writing this I am giving you advice on how to take advice. It’s going to get even more weird when I tell you to be careful taking advice. Life is full of paradox. Or not. I don’t know, but it sounds smart so I’m going with it.

So yes, throughout your life people like your dear old dad are going to offer up their wisdom to you. I bet most of the time it will be without you asking for it. Sometimes it will be when you specifically said you didn’t want it. People are funny that way. It’s a strange cocktail of narcissism and nostalgia that makes the average person think they have these golden nuggets of knowledge and experience to pass on to you. It then becomes your job to take that pile of intellectual rummage sale material and sort through it for the good stuff. That process can be frustrating, especially when you don’t feel like looking through the scraps of someone else’s life experience that they dumped in your garage. I’ve done more than my share of eye-rolling. Believe me, I get it. But before you dismiss all or even most of it there are some things that you should keep in mind.

First, almost all advice is free. If you believe that most things are worth what you pay for them, as I do, then that would lead you to think that most advice is worthless. That may very well be true. Lord knows I’ve heard enough of it that was flat out garbage, repeated by people who objectively had no idea what they were talking about. If you get enough of that it soon becomes easy to start dismissing almost all of it. I am asking you to resist that urge, no matter how strong it may be. The reason for that is that you’re not as smart as you think you are.

That’s the second thing. It’s strange how the younger you are the smarter you believe yourself to be. It starts when you’re about ten or eleven and ends when you retire, I think. I’ll know for sure when I get there. But I’ve told you before that knowledge has a way of coming at you in ways you wouldn’t imagine at times you never expect. Be ready and don’t dismiss it. No matter what you’ve done in life someone smarter or wiser than you has something to share. If you can benefit from crossing paths with them then take full advantage of the experience. Many careers, relationships and even lives have ended prematurely and in spectacular fashion because someone with an over developed sense of their own intelligence ignored some simple advice from someone who knew better. The first two words you say after a big decision should not be “Oh, shit.”

Most importantly, keep in mind that as human beings we have a burning need to share what we know. It might be because we just think we’re smarter than everyone else. I believe more often it’s because we care. We know we’ve made mistakes in life and we want to help others avoid them, especially people we love so much. We may not always say it in the way that you want to hear. Sometimes it sounds a lot less like we’re trying to teach and more like we’re just trying to ruin your life. That may be a bit hyperbolic but believe it or not I was a kid once, too. Parents have a way of delivering good advice poorly. They teach us that in Parent School. We forgot that sometimes the best way to learn is to fail. Worse yet for us is that we can see the fall coming and we can’t do anything to stop it. It’s tough when it’s your kids. You want to protect them from the sting of bad choices or circumstances. But doing so doesn’t help and may even make it worse. Understand that we can’t help it.

It’s my sincere hope that you will take this pile of other people’s life experiences and sort through them. Take the time. It’s well worth the effort, even when it doesn’t feel like it. There are gems in there if you look.

Life isn’t. The sooner you get used to that idea the better off you will be. I know how that sounds. Dad is about to start chasing the kids of the lawn and complaining about the price of stamps. While that and regular afternoon naps are probably in my future, let me explain myself.

We get this idea when we’re kids that the world has a sense of balance to it. While that may be true on some level it’s not in the way we’d like to think. We want in in our everyday lives. In our interactions with people. We hope that when we do good then good comes back to us. It’s that whole instant karma thing. If you’re bad then bad things happen. If you’re good, well you get it where I’m going. Oh, if only it were that easy. You’ve been deceived. If you don’t come to grips with that then you’re in for disappointment.

Now you can blame a lot of people for this sense of fairness that’s been instilled in you. Mom and I are the first in line. It starts when you are kids. We teach you when to take “your turn”. One night you get to pick the movie. The next time it’s your brother. The pizza gets divided equally. And so on. We give you this idea that the world is an orderly place and it’s run by people who put fairness above all else. They teach you in school. For the most part, your friends feel the same way. If there’s an issue on the playground you run to an adult to set things right. Your whole childhood feels like it revolves around this premise. Like most things that adults do, it’s meant to teach you something and done in your best interests. What can I say? Sometimes we mess things up.

I’m not saying it shouldn’t be done. Quite the contrary. The entire exercise is done to try to instill in you a sense of what is fair. It’s good to treat people fairly. If you are viewed as someone who tries to find the balance between right and wrong, what’s just and equitable, then you will be seen as someone people can look up to and trust. That’s not a bad thing. But there are two problems with this.

The first is that the lesson goes too far. It sets up and expectation in your young minds that the world has no intention of living up to. You’ve been taught the game and the rules and sent out to play. What you find is that not only have the rules changed but the game isn’t the one you were told. Everyone has a different idea of what “fair” means. Some people didn’t bother to learn it at all and take advantage of those who try to be fair. That’s the second problem. Some people just cheat. It’s a mess. Worse yet, you thought there’d be a referee. Most of the time there isn’t. When there is they may not see your definition the same way either. Like I said, messy. The entire lesson gives you a false sense of hope, that fairness is important to everyone and they all have the same idea.

So what do you do? Easy. You give up some of that hope. You don’t expect fairness from others. Understand that most people will work in their own self-interest. It’s human nature. They’ll want the bigger piece of cake. They’ll split the check down the middle when they drank all the wine. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s not that they are bad people. They may not even know they’re doing it. But if you let it bother you too much you’re bound to ruin a lot of friendships. Give people a lot of room. Maybe your friend forgot that you got the check last time and thought it was your turn. Let it go. Just don’t let it become a habit. If you find people who take advantage of you on a regular basis don’t be a sucker. You don’t have to make a big show of it and burn a lot of bridges. Just move on. Don’t have people like that in your life. They can be toxic and you don’t need that kind of negativity.

All of that being said, don’t let it touch you. You need to be as fair as you can. Do your best to be honorable and treat people as well as possible. Even when they don’t always do the same. Do the best you can to be the best you can. People won’t always be fair to you. But you should be, as long as it doesn’t mean lying down to be walked over. If you can be fair when others aren’t in return it builds a great deal of belief in yourself. It can be difficult to do but it’s worth it.

If I have one of the 7 deadly sins, it’s pride. Okay, forget the “if” part. I can be awfully prideful. There are many people who would argue that pride isn’t a bad thing. Afterall, you should take pride in your work, appearance, manners, etc. Others would list pride as a virtue for those very examples. But there is a reason that it’s often been repeated that pride goes before the fall. I’ll grant you that pride can have its place, just like anything else. It is self interest in your outward appearance to others. In other words, you should care about that. If you don’t then that could be sloth and that’s a different one of the seven.

Are you confused yet?

The kind of pride I’m talking about is the ugly kind. There are a lot of definitions for it. I’ll give you mine. It’s an overestimation of your own self-worth. While that can sound fairly harmless, thinking that your crap doesn’t stink can lead to all sorts of issues. The least of which is a lot of frustration and disappointment. The worst is probably being an unlikeable bastard.

I know it’s sounds weird coming from me when I’ve already lectured you about confidence. I tell you that confidence matters more than anything else and I turn around and tell you don’t believe your own PR. I’m not saying this is necessarily an easy path to walk all the time. I have a healthy sense of my own value. I also have struggled with being too full of myself at times. It’s led me to bite off more than I can chew on more than one occasion. Many of those instances were painful lessons to learn. And I did them to myself out of pride.

See, just like anything else pride can be a good thing until you have too much of it. It’s almost like a cosmic chemical reaction. You add to much of something to a thing and it becomes something else. If you accumulate a decent amount of money, you’re frugal. Too much and you’re greedy. Some knowledge makes you smart. Too much and you become pretentious. Pride can make you confident and strong. More than you need makes you arrogant.

So how do you know when enough becomes too much? You experiment. You test yourself and your abilities. You stay humble. Most importantly, you admit when you’re wrong or screw up. If you find yourself blaming someone else for your failure, if you look to find fault in others then you know you’re getting full of yourself. You couldn’t have messed up, right? You don’t make mistakes, so it had to be someone or something else. It’s not you. It’s them. You didn’t lose that game. The ump screwed you. The other team cheated. It had to be that because it can’t be you. That’s when pride takes over and gets ugly. That’s not the person you want to be.

You have to be honest with yourself. Get comfortable in your own skin. When you can do that it’s a lot easier to admit when you’re wrong or you’ve made a mistake. And when I say admitting you messed up I don’t mean rolling your eyes and saying “Oh, so I guess everything is my fault.” That’s pride run amok. It doesn’t earn you any respect. Worse yet, it makes you look like a jackass. Owning it when you are wrong or when you fail makes you appear strong and confident. That is something to be proud of. People respect it.

That all sounds easy. It’s not. It’s hard when someone you view as lesser than you, due to your abundance of pride, does better or proves you wrong. You’ll be angry or frustrated. You lost out to “that guy” and you really don’t like “that guy”. But if you let pride consume you then you are “that guy”. Understand that the mistake in this example wasn’t that you let him get the better of you. It’s that you put that person beneath you. You believed yourself to be better than someone else based on a feeling you had about them. That was the mistake. Be mad at yourself, not for failing but for dismissing someone else before you had any reason to. You should approach each person as if they have something to teach you. If you don’t, if you can’t grant another person the smallest amount of decency and humanity, then you’ve let pride win. That’s when you really lose.

And that’s when you learn that gravity is a harsh mistress.

Hopefully there are a great deal of things you will build in your life, literally and figuratively. You can build wealth, friendships, a career. A family. A house. These are all special achievements that make up the story of your life. But never forget that in all of this you are building yourself. One of the most important aspects of that is your integrity. It means something different to many people but generally it is defined as how other people see your character and principles. You build or ruin it almost every day. Sometimes with the smallest things. Part of it is easy. The other part is hard.

The easy part first. All of those examples I mentioned have been done before by millions of people. There is a road map in a way. A financial advisor can help you build wealth. A mentor can help you with a career. Find the right person to spend your life with and building a family sort of follows. Houses usually come with plans. While none of these are a cakewalk there are a lot of people dumber than you with fewer resources who have gotten it done. Follow the plan and put in the work, you’ll find the rewards. Effort and time with get you far. Not exactly easy but not that hard either.

Building your integrity, the guts of who you are, is a lot harder. Ironically, the work isn’t hard. But I’ll get back to that in a minute. The hard part is that there is no plan. Unlike everything I mentioned before there is no roadmap. Even if there was it would be vague at best. A house has a builder, a plan and materials. Integrity just tells you to start collecting bricks because you’re going to need to build walls. You don’t know exactly what the house will look like. What you do know is the kind of bricks you’re going to need.

How do you know? You’ll know because what is right feels right and what is wrong feels wrong. See, what you’re building is your character, how other people will view you. It’s not as tangible as a house or a career. But in many ways it’s just as visible. Do you say what you will do and then do what you say? Do you lie when you should tell the truth? Do you steal when no one is looking? Will you sacrifice others to get what you want? Those opportunities are frequent and easy. But like Yoda says, the Dark Side is the quick and easy path.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of successful jackasses out there. You don’t have to look far to find people who appear to have more than you and have done it by being unscrupulous bastards. More than likely they have left a path of destruction in their wake. Maybe they are okay with it. But you can’t be that guy. That house has a foundation that will rot out from under it. One day that house will collapse. And the neighbors will cheer.

It is easier to break something than it is to build it. Months or years of building can be ruined in one fell swoop. Building a reputation for honesty can take years and be wrecked with one lie. What you have created can be tossed away. Worse yet, you will know you’re doing it because you’re not a jackass.

Integrity is a gift that you give yourself. You make your reputation on your own and if you do it well enough, no one can take it from you. They can try, but if you have a strong foundation, it will shelter you from the storm. Your reputation will speak for itself.

And that is a feeling that is hard to beat.

There are countless examples of “The most important thing in life is…” to choose from. Everyone has their thing. Love, money, security, friendships, freedom, faith, etc. The list is long and full good examples. So allow Dad to chime in. The most important thing in life is…well, I put it in the title, so…yeah. You get it.

I will grant you that there are many more examples that sound better. Who doesn’t want love or happiness? Surely friends are important? Why not that? All of those are great. But I’m not making a list. I’m picking one thing, and in my mind, confidence is it.

One of the many things that time and experience teach you is that most people don’t believe in themselves. They have dreams and they don’t nurture them. They have plans and don’t execute them. Opportunities get missed due to insecurity and fear. If you put yourself out there, if you swing and miss, if you take a leap, all of those can lead to failure. Few people embrace failure for what it really is. But that’s another post altogether. Almost everyone has an inherent fear of failing. There’s nothing fun about it, especially when it’s big and public. It stings. It’s unpleasant. In general, it’s something we all try to avoid. Fear of failure is like a fear of heights. We all have it to some degree, so everyone understands it on some level.

That’s why confidence is so important. Being able to believe in yourself enough to take a step that others are afraid to try is incredibly empowering. First off, it helps you build your own belief in yourself. Even when you fail you will learn your limitations and capabilities. You’ll get better at whatever it is you’re trying to do. But far more rewarding is the reaction of your attempt, whether you succeed or not, on the faces of the people around you. Doing something that scares other people and making it appear you weren’t afraid makes you look like a freaking superhero.

A superhero?! Really, dad? Think you’re overselling it a bit?

Oh no, my silly little sidekick. Not in the least. See the world is populated with sheep. I know, that sounds so Alpha Maley and arrogant. Maybe. But it’s not wrong. Most people lack the confidence in themselves to try even the simplest things. Public speaking is consistently listed as one of the greatest fears the average human has. Think about that. Standing up in front of people and talking. Short of dying, most people would rather do anything else. In general, people are risk averse. It’s easier to stay comfortable and talk about what you’d like to do than it is to actually do it. It’s safer and no one gets hurt. And no one wants to get hurt. Look, I’ve been the sheep, too. I have passed on things I should have done or tried. I had a chance to do something that could have been outside of my comfort zone and I passed. Here’s the dirty little secret: I regret not doing every one of them. Every. Single. One. Maybe they would have turned out badly. Or maybe they would have been glorious. I don’t know. Not knowing is sometimes far worse than being embarrassed, looking foolish or skinning your knees. To steal a quote, boats are safe in snug harbors, but that’s not where boats were meant to be.

Ok, Great Font of Fatherly Wisdom, you ask, how does one gain such confidence? That’s easy. You fake it.

That’s right. I said pretend. You weren’t ready for that, were you? Look, the only way to learn a thing is to do it. Usually poorly at first. Rarely is the master created in the first attempt at anything. “We are what we pretend to be”, said Kurt Vonnegut. Now I’m not suggesting you bet your life savings on your first hand of blackjack. I wouldn’t start talking to girls by hitting on supermodels. Your first attempt in the batters box shouldn’t be against Nolan Ryan. (Nolan who? I’m old. Google him) Start small. Work your way up. You rarely learn to ride a bike without falling off. But if you’re brave enough to try and willing to pretend you will soon find yourself doing things that others can’t believe you can do. Do it long enough and pretty soon you realize you’re not pretending any longer. You’re good at it. Or maybe you learn you’re really not good. Believe it or not there is confidence in being able to say that you’ve given it your best but you just don’t have it. The trick in that is that you have to actually have given it your best. Most people quit well before they have a chance to fail.

Let me caution you against that dreaded imposter of confidence: arrogance. Though they can look the same there is a world of difference. Arrogance is confidence minus humility. It brags about what it can do. If it succeeds it taunts others with its success. When it fails people take joy in its failure. No one celebrates arrogance. They only sneer at it. Confidence is something that everyone admires, even if they don’t want to admit it. Arrogance wants to be celebrated and admired, before, during and after. Confidence appreciates those things but doesn’t need them to live. It goes about its business and moves along. Confidence approaches the girl and introduces itself. Arrogance tells its friends he’s getting her number and gloats if he does. Arrogance blames others for its failure. People root against arrogance. It’s the villain. And you should never miss a chance to be a hero.

“The two most important days in a man’s life are the day he was born and the day he discovers why”. – Mark Twain

Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors. He’s one of the most quotable human beings ever. I have envied his way with words for most of my life. This is quote is not his best or most repeated. It’s not the smartest or even the most humorous. I believe it’s one of his most insightful. The tricky part about Twain is that many things he never said are attributed to him. That may be the case here as well. What I do know is that if I heard Twain said it I’m more likely to listen. Sometimes the story is better than reality. It doesn’t change the point of the quote. But enough about Mr. Twain, for now.

If you’re like most people you’re going to waste a lot of your time chasing what makes you happy. I can try to save you some of that time if you’re willing to listen to what I’m about to tell you. More than likely, you’ll have to find out for yourself. In the end with is probably just “dad advice” that I attempt to give you to make myself feel better and won’t mean anything to you for years. One day you’ll figure it out. Do me a favor and call me to tell me I was right. Sometimes that’s the only acknowledgement a dad needs.

 Don’t get me wrong, happiness is important. It’s an admirable goal. Being happy is better than most other emotions you can have. The best ones are usually some variation of it. It’s also a slippery son of a gun. Happiness is more often a result of your environment. The world around you and the people you choose to spend your time with have an extraordinary impact on your happiness. That environment can change. Those people can be gone for a myriad of reasons. Things can change. Happiness can go with it. When it does you will find there is no shortage of people, programs and books to tell you that happiness is a decision you make. Some of that is true. People often choose misery in the face of abundance for reasons I could never figure out. They could choose happiness. They don’t. Life is a mystery sometimes.

But let me tell you right now, on your best day in your most prefect frame of mind, life can find a way to dump all over it. I don’t mean that to sound like downer. Quite the contrary. What I’m saying is that there is a better way to be happy than chasing happiness. It’s meaning.

So what exactly is that? It’s hard to say other that it is different for every person. Think of it as the reason you get out of bed in the morning. Happiness might get you up an going if you have a great day ahead. But what if you don’t? What if you aren’t happy right now and staying in bed all day, or all week, is starting to sound like an outstanding idea. That’s when meaning kicks in and if you don’t have it on those dark days you could be in real trouble. Happiness can come and go. Meaning sticks around.

For me, and I didn’t see it coming, it’s been being dad to you two boys. There are a lot of things that make me happy. Some are silly. Many more are profound. They are all important. You guys give me meaning and I knew it from the jump. The first time I held each of you and saw those little blurry faces looking back up at me I knew this was what I wanted more than anything. You guys are the reason I want to be a better example to you. I knew I wanted to be a dad. Mom and I planned for you guys all along. But I didn’t know how it would affect me until it happened. That’s not to say that other things in my life aren’t meaningful. Not at all. It’s incredibly rewarding to be a good husband, friend or coworker. Being good at those can make you and the people around you happy. The difference is that meaning makes you want to be better at all those things. When someone tells me that you boys are good kids of course I feel a sense of pride and it makes me happy. More than anything it gives me a feeling that mom and I are doing right by you.

But here’s the trick: if you find what’s meaningful and pour your heart into it you will most likely be rewarded with happiness. You can chase happiness and ignore what is meaningful and you may never find either. If you can find what makes you feel good deep down in your bones and pursue that you may be fortunate enough to have both.

You will hear about a lot of underrated things in your life. Someone somewhere has something important that you and the rest of the world don’t appreciate the way you should. “Dude, (name something) is so underrated. You’ve gotta check it out.” You’ll hear it often. Get used to it. Most likely, you’ll do it yourself as well. There are a lot of underappreciated things in the world. It’s a lot of ground to cover. But let Dear Old Dad introduce you to the most unappreciated item: Wisdom. How do I know it’s taken for granted so often? Well, I’m glad you asked.

First off, it’s important to understand what wisdom is. It’s often confused with being smart. Nope. That’s intelligence. They are two very different things. Intelligence is how smart you are and what you can figure out. You may not know the answer but if you apply your intelligence, you can probably get the solution with time. Wisdom is the application of your experiences. Intelligence can tell you how a stove works. Wisdom says that they are frequently hot and not the best place to put your hands. You may not know why it’s hot. You just know it is. Intelligence is the cool kid that everyone admires, even if it’s a bit grudgingly. Wisdom is a little standoffish and quiet, but he rarely steers you wrong when you need advice.

You can’t deny that both are important. But they are earned in very different ways. Intelligence is something to be respected. It can be gained through study, research and application. If you take the time to do the work, you get smarter. Period. Reading Einstein’s writings on relativity may not mean you’ll fully understand it. But you won’t be dumber for the effort. Being “book smart” isn’t going to hurt you any.

Wisdom is different. You have to earn it through experience. You can’t read it in a book and fully understand it. Even more ironically, you often attain wisdom instead of what you sought. It’s like a universal Consolation Prize. You were shooting for the championship trophy but you got Most Sportsmanship instead.

Yuk.

I don’t know, dad, you’ll say. Wisdom sounds kind of lame. Ok, I’ll grant you that. You wanted something else. You wanted that cool kid intelligence but all you got was egg on your face and that nerdy wisdom. You touched a hot stove and damn, that hurt. Stupid stove.

I know, I know. I’m not exactly selling the “most underrated” title well when it comes to wisdom. But think about it for a minute. Of the two, which is more rare? The one that everyone can see the path to achieving or the one that’s harder earned through experience? If the difference is how smart you are and what keeps you out of danger it’s not hard to figure out. Intelligence tells you how a mortgage works while wisdom tells you how much house you can really afford. Intelligence can teach you how to ride a bike, but wisdom tells you how fast you can ride it without winding up in a ditch, again. Intelligence can run the math on whether or not you’re probably sober enough to drive. Wisdom says give your keys to your friend or call a cab.

We tend to gain intelligence on purpose and wisdom by mistake. That’s the main reason wisdom doesn’t seem as valuable, in my opinion. It can often appear to be the shattered remains of a plan gone bad. It’s the castaway pieces of bad execution. But there are diamonds in that disaster. Look for them. Polish them up. They are priceless. I know a lot of very smart people who never thought of themselves as the most intelligent person in the room. Instead of talking about how smart they were they listened and learned something new. Knowledge has a way of coming at you sideways sometimes. Wisdom helps you see it for what it is and grab it before it’s gone.

I would like to think that I have a vast storage of wisdom. In truth, I have gained precious little. More than some and less than others. What I have learned I tend to use, and it has always served me well. You will gain some as well. Cherish it. It’s hard earned and often by mistake. But you can be as intelligent as the next guy and without wisdom you’re just book smart and walking around dumb. More importantly, you have to live a little to gain it. Just remember that though it may not always feel like it, even the worst experiences in your life will deliver you some something you can use. It’s there. You just might have to look for it.

I once had a conversation with someone I knew in passing. She was a guest at a hotel where I worked. We had both had a frustrating day and were commiserating a bit. As the conversation was finishing up she looked at me and said, “well, there’s always something to be thankful for.” It was just a random sentence in one of thousands on conversations I had in my life at that point.

I have never forgotten it.

More importantly, it changed how I viewed life, if only ever so slightly. See, at that time in my life I was not in the best place. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I didn’t have. In other words, I bitched a lot about my circumstances. None of that is worth getting into here. The point was that I just wasn’t happy. Worse yet, I wallowed in it and spent a great deal of time feeling sorry for myself. That conversation with the hotel guest hit me in a way I did not expect. I could have blown it off and pretended she didn’t know what she was talking about. I’m not sure why I didn’t. But I’ll tell you this, it had such and impression on me that I can still remember tiny little details from that moment like it was yesterday. I can’t explain it. Sometimes things land in a way that sticks. When it happens to you just remember it and learn from it.

What I learned that day was to start being grateful for what I had. I began to keep a gratitude journal. Every night before I went to bed I would write something in it that I was thankful for that day. I didn’t make a big thing out of it. Just a few seconds to write one thing on the list. It started out pretty easy. You can fill out a couple of weeks worth of it with the usual stuff: you’re healthy, you have a job, you aren’t hungry, etc. Even on a bad day there is some low hanging fruit to plug in the list so you can fall asleep having completed your task.

However, after a couple of weeks it gets harder. You feel like it shouldn’t. Even if you aren’t exactly happy you know your life isn’t a mess, mostly for all the reasons you listed each night before. But you’ve used up all the easy stuff. Now you have to think about it a little harder. What made you happy today? Even If the day was rotten there had to be something. So now you relive your day in snapshots, searching for the smallest thing so that you can go to sleep. For a moment you think you can skip it tonight. You’ve done it for weeks. You get it. Life isn’t the bad. Turn the light off and call it a night.

But you don’t. For reasons you don’t fully understand you have to do this. Maybe it’s that you made yourself a promise. Somehow this idea has gotten ahold of you and you can’t let it go. It’s like there’s a lesson that you don’t understand. You’re smart enough to know it’s there but not smart enough to know what it is. But as your frustration builds you tell yourself this is a simple thing. You should be able to find something. A couple of possibilities come but they seem so small. That person who let you cut in that long line at the store. The little boy at the post office who said your sunglasses “looked cool”. Jesus. Can you really put that down? “Cool sunglasses” sounds so stupid on a list of things that’s supposed to mean something. This is changing your life, right? But you’re tired and this is starting to annoy you. Fine. “Cool sunglasses” it is. You’re going to bed.

The next night you sit down to write again. You have a good one. You’re anxious to put it in the journal and show the universe just how smart you are. Then you look down and see it.

“Cool sunglasses”

Still feel smart? There’s some life changing wisdom for ya. How could you have written something so small in a journal that’s supposed to mean so much? It was funny though, the way that kid said “cooool”. Then his mom laughed a little and smiled. You fist bumped him and he thought it was funny. You smile remembering it. What were you going to write tonight? It was important and now you can’t recall what it was. But you’re smiling about something that happened yesterday in the span of 15 seconds. That feels good in a way you didn’t even notice yesterday. So you write “random giggles” in your book and turn in for the night. And just before you fall asleep it hits you that maybe this was the lesson all along. Maybe the important part was not necessarily finding some profound or thoughtful insight to add. Maybe it’s that there are a lot of little things to be grateful for each day. Worse yet, you missed them because you were busy or feeling sorry for yourself. You didn’t get it until you made yourself look.

I don’t keep a gratitude journal anymore. At least not on paper. But every day I make sure that I take the time to be grateful for something. Many times it’s helped me appreciate it while it’s happening. I feel like it’s made me a lot happier with life in general. Most importantly, it has made me stop and enjoy the smallest moment, many of which involve you boys. Parents always say that the time with their kids flies by. It does. But because someone I barely knew said something random to me years ago it has taken me on a path to squeeze as much out of the best moments with you boys. I live those moments with you instead of flying through them to get to the next one.

So I hope that you will learn to be grateful. It’s not as easy as it sounds. It takes some discipline at first. You train yourself to do it. But it’s worth it. Oh, you’ll have bad days. You’ll have times when you wonder why something bad or even awful happened to you. Gratitude will be the last thing on your mind at times like that. That’s ok. Some things we just have to slog through. Just understand that every experience is a chance to learn something. And once you teach yourself to be grateful for what you have, no matter how small, you may find that those difficult times are much easier to endure. You may even find that you are stronger than your ever knew. And that is always something to be grateful for.

Boys, you’ve been lied to. More than once. It wasn’t mom or me who did it either. Worse yet, these lies are repeated to you almost every day by people who mean well but aren’t thinking about what they are saying. They are easy to sell because like all good lies you want to believe them. Believing them feels comfortable and makes you happy. But they still aren’t true and the sooner you know the better off you and everyone around you will be.

So what are they? Buckle up, here we go.

1. Kindness is free
2. Kindness is easy
3. There’s not enough kindness in the world

I know, I know. It sounds like Dad is a little crazy. How can these be lies? If I’m right then the world has suddenly become a very dark place. Fair enough. But before you write me off as a crazy old crank yelling “get off my lawn” give me a chance to explain.

Let’s take the first two together, that kindness is free and easy. Sure, not everything is that simple all the time and of course there is nuance. I’m not here to nitpick the details and finesse why this isn’t true. It flat out isn’t. Doing a nice thing for someone doesn’t seem like it should be that difficult. Holding a door for a stranger or wishing them a nice day is simple, I’ll grant you that. There are a ton of little kindnesses that you can do in a day that are easy. Those things don’t make you kind. They mean you’re polite. Plenty of people will smile to your face and say “have a nice day” then mutter “asshole” under their breath as you walk away. Why? Pick a reason. Maybe they’re having a bad or they are just unhappy in general. Either way, not the makings of a kind soul. No, that’s not kindness.

Try this, that kid who sits by himself at lunch, the one everyone makes fun of. Go sit with him. Listen to your friends razz you for it. Watch that kid eye you suspiciously while he wonders what you’re going to do to him. Everyone else does. Why would you be any different? You’re just trying to be nice. Why wouldn’t he let you? Heaven forbid you actually wind up being friendly. Then your friends will tease you for hanging out with the “loser”.

How about standing up to a bully who isn’t bothering you? Maybe its two bullies. Doesn’t matter. They aren’t after you. They’re picking on some other kid. Easier to put your head down and keep moving. Nothing to see here. Helping would be kind. It would be brave. It would not be easy and may come at a cost.

Because life can be cruel sometimes, you will have friends who lose loved ones. Maybe it’s a parent too soon. Maybe, unthinkably, it’s a child. It would be far easier to not go to that funeral and support them. It’s far easier to not look them in the eye and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.” That’s freakin’ hard.

I have had two dogs I loved very much. They were old, sick and suffering. Putting them down was incredibly hard. Some people might call that a kindness. It sure didn’t feel like it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I did it twice. I’ll tell you this though, I appreciated every friend that said, “I’m sorry you had to do that.” That was kindness

Now you could say these are outlying examples. Maybe. But these are examples of the types of kindness that changes lives. You never know how much having a friend at the right time can mean to someone. Never underestimate what true kindness can do to a person’s day. Kindness, genuinely given, can change the course of a life. Random acts of kindness from strangers can be a beautiful thing to behold. It can restore your faith in humanity.

That leads me to the last lie, that there isn’t enough of it in the world. Don’t hang out with cynical people who say stuff like that. If you look, really look, you will see examples of kindness in front of you every day. Some are simple. Hugs among friends passing in the hallway. People letting others cut into traffic at a busy time. That’s all there. You have to look a little harder sometimes. If you do you will see heroic efforts of kindness from some people. Volunteers taking groceries to housebound strangers. Neighbors digging each other out after a snowstorm. People in war zones caring for strangers. I once saw a news story about two neighbors trying to save their houses during a flood. When it became clear to one neighbor that there weren’t enough sandbags to save both of their houses he told the volunteers to take the bags from his house and finish the wall around his neighbors. That wasn’t easy. It wasn’t free. And if that’s not a huge helping of kindness I don’t know what it takes to impress you.

Mom and I wished a lot of things for you guys when you were born. You hope your kids are healthy. Smart is high on the list. It never hurts to be cute. All of those things were out of our control. One thing we could influence was whether or not you were kind. I can’t emphasize how important it is. As I mentioned before it can change or even save a life. But I want to be up front and honest. It’s not always easy. Being nice to someone who has been unkind to you is tough. Believe me, as a guy who has spent most of his professional life in customer service I can tell you that being nice to rude people who don’t deserve it can be a true test of will. Be kind anyway. I’m not gonna lie, a well-timed jab at someone can feel pretty good when they have it coming. Meanness is like sugar, okay once in a while but you can’t live on it. It eventually rots what it touches. Better if what it would ruin is not your soul or your humanity. Kindness is the opposite. It’s like eating well or working out. You don’t always want to do it and you’d prefer to do something else. But in the end the way it makes you feel is well worth the effort.

I’m no paragon of virtue and kindness. Trust me, I’ve been mean more than a few times. With rare exception I have regretted every one of them. Some of those times that I can recall I’m willing to bet I’m the only person who remembers. Yet they still stick with me. But life is about getting better and aspiring to higher things. I would love to think that you can learn from my mistakes. You can’t. You have to make your own. Let me give you this one piece of advice: Kindness is rarely a mistake.

It may seem counter-intuitive but one of the things I wish for you in life is failure. Not exactly the fatherly message you were expecting? Fair enough. Let me explain.

I’ve had both in my life. Sometimes extreme versions of them. I have learned lessons from both that I will never forget. I can tell you this from experience, I have learned far more from failure than I could ever learn from success. The worst job I ever had taught me the most about work. The worst people I ever had to deal with showed me the value of patience and the false comfort of anger. Failing at something I thought I was ready for taught me what preparation should look like. I could go on and on.

Success feels like it should teach you more. No one needs to tell you that it’s sure as heck a lot easier to enjoy. It’s far more fun to walk off the field with your arms held high, hoisting a trophy over your head than it is to watch the other guy do it. But no one ever got better carrying a trophy.

See, there’s a character building moment in failure that success rarely affords you. It stings. If you win a Super Bowl you get to tell the world you’re going to Disney World. But it’s what you do when you lose that will define you far more as a human being than winning a ring. Do you lash out? Do you blame others? Do you quit? Or do you look inside yourself, see your own mistakes and shortcomings and work to get better? The first three are a lot easier. The last one is hard. I’m not gonna lie, it’s difficult when you’re fresh from defeat and tell yourself that you could have been better. That’s hard. But the best people, not just successful people, find something in that to make themselves better. You must fail if you are to persevere. People admire perseverance. Mostly because quitting comes easy and everyone, deep down, knows it. There is no one who understands success like people who have failed, worked and then achieved. If climbing Everest was easy then everyone would do it. And let’s be honest, people who have never failed at anything probably never tried anything hard either. As the saying goes, boats are safe in snug harbors, but that’s not where boats were meant to be.

So yes, in the strangest sounding way, I hope you fail at something. Especially if it’s something you care about. It will teach you that trying and failing is okay and that failure isn’t permanent. Rewards rarely come without risk and risk is a fickle bastard. It can treat you like a king or a peasant. Failing will also show you that success after hard work feels better than just about anything that you can imagine. To use a baseball analogy, everyone sees the home runs. Few see the hundreds of swings in practice that led to it. They can enjoy the homer but they won’t feel it deep in their bones like you do, watching the ball sail away into the sky.

You will have times when you want to quit. You will be tired, sore, sad or fed up. There may even be times you feel broken. You might say “I quit” out loud. You will experience frustration, sometimes to the point where you want to scream. The more you want something the more it hurts. But your character is built by getting back up after being knocked down. Sometimes it takes a little while. It may seem terrible of me to hope that you experience that in some way. Trust me, it will be just as hard seeing you go through it. However, in the short time I have known you boys I have seen the strength in you. I have seen you try, fail and try again and succeed. I have watched you cheer each other on in sports and in life. Even at your young ages I have seen a character in you that shows me glimpses of what kind of men you will grow up to be.

And I could not be more proud.