Last

I hate to break it to you boys but there is a last time for everything. Now, I know you know that, at least on an intellectual level. Everything that starts has a finish. You get it. It doesn’t surprise you. But I’m here to tell you it’s going to shock you in ways that you don’t quite understand yet.

See, you guys are young. Though you have seen and experienced a lot there’s still so much life ahead of you that it’s hard to grasp not having what you already have. Life is great and the good times are rolling. You’ve had some disappointments, for sure. But for the most part you live in the land of milk and honey. That’s an old person phrase you may have to look up. It means good stuff. Trust me on that one.

I want to be clear that I’m not talking strictly about loss. You guys have seen our old dog pass. You get that people don’t last forever. Loss is another topic altogether. It’s related but it’s not where I’m going with this. What I trying to impress upon you boys is that there are “lasts” for so many things that you never see coming. One day you’re doing something just like every other day. It’s full of routine and things you take for granted. You tacitly expect that it will always be this way. And then it’s not.

You may not notice it at first. One day you were doing it and then time passes and you realize it doesn’t happen anymore. I remember fondly all the times you guys rode on my shoulders. Whether because you were little and it was easier to carry you or so you could see better at some event. I’d get tired or you wanted to get down to do something. Then we’d do it all over again the next day.

Then one day we didn’t. I don’t know why. You didn’t get big overnight. It just sort of happens. I think about that a lot. One day I took you off my shoulders and set you down to run off to your next adventure. And it just never happened again. There was no ceremony. No comment about how dad couldn’t keep doing this forever. Nothing. It was a moment that just passed and I never noticed it. Mostly because I didn’t know it had happened. Now there are moments like that I think about a lot.

I can’t remember the last time I played catch with my dad. I loved baseball and played every summer as a kid. I even played some in college and after. But catch ended with dad somewhere before that. I don’t know why. There are all sorts of reasons and circumstances, most of which are invisible to me now. But there was a summer evening somewhere in there that we finished playing, walked into house, probably talking about all kinds of things and put our gloves away. And that was it. It never happened again. Somehow that makes me sad.

It really shouldn’t. All good things end. Bad things do, too. But either we don’t notice those or we celebrate them ending. Instead of thinking about the end that I couldn’t know or didn’t see I should think fondly on all of the times it happened. I do. But that last time still haunts me in a very small way. It makes me think of all of the other “lasts” that I couldn’t have known about. I’ve had friends I hugged and said “see you later” and never did again. I can’t remember my last baseball game. One day I jogged of the field after that last out and that was it. I fully intended to be back. Just never was. I do remember that last time I went skiing. It was in Vail, Colorado with a friend from college. I just didn’t know that was it. I popped my skis off at the end of the day. Just never went again. And one day, not that long ago it seems, I set you down for the last time.

I know this all seems sad. You’re thinking dad is getting all nostalgic and weepy. Maybe a little. But what I want you to take from this is something completely different. I want you to assume the last. What I mean by that is I want you to enjoy each moment for what it is. That group of friends you hang with will one day scatter to the four winds. You may keep in touch and get back together to catch up. However, you may not all be together to share the moment that way again. You won’t know when your last baseball game is. So every time you’re out there, smelling the fresh cut grass and feeling the well worn leather of your glove, the crack of the bat and explosive cheers of your friends as the ball lands safely in the outfield, remember all of those moments. Revel in them. When you meet up with friends and hang out late into the night talking about life and music and relationships, take a second to look around and drink it all in. Feel it while it’s there and let it fill your soul. You may not always know when it has come to an end. But you will thank yourself for appreciating it while it was happening to you.