Category: parenting

You boys are going to hear a lot of adults tell you that patience is a virtue. They’ll tell you how time flies even faster as you get older and that you shouldn’t wish your time away. They’re not wrong. At the same time, you will feel the anxiousness for adult milestones that every kid feels. You can’t wait until you stay up later, go on the “big kid” rides or drive a car. Voting is different. Never trust a kid who says they can’t wait to vote. It’s like an adult who is happy to pay taxes or eat celery. It’s just not right.

It’s not new to want to grow up. Even though you’re around a lot of kids, almost every cool thing you see someone do is done by an adult. They drive. They buy stuff. The eat whatever they want whenever they want. They make all the rules and never let you forget it. In short, being a kid can suck at times. It gets worse when you’re a teenager. You’re smarter, not as smart as you think, but you’re learning some things. You want to try stuff and those damn grown ups keep ruining your fun. You can’t wait to be one of them. You’ll really show them how it’s done. It doesn’t matter that they said the same thing when they were your age. You’re smarter than they were. You can’t wait to tell them “Hold my beer” and have it actually be a beer.

Yep. You’ll show them.

But it’s at that very moment that I’d like you to take some advice from dear old dad: Wait. This isn’t that same old lecture about wishing your childhood away. I’m not going to tell you it’s a rough and tumble world out there and you don’t know how good you’ve got it. I’m not saying “just wait until you have to go to work every day” and then boring you with how I wish I had my summers off. Nope. Not doing that right now. While that may be good counsel, I want you to think about something else for the moment.

Time flies. Everyone says it. I don’t know if it’s true that it happens faster as we grow older or not. That could be as much perception as reality. The older you get the more it seems you have going on and you can get lost in being busy. That’s when what I’m saying becomes even more important. Just wait.

What do I mean by that? I’ve told you plenty of times that you shouldn’t wait. Don’t wait to do a job or task. Don’t wait to tell someone you care about them. Don’t wait to get going on something you want to do. I’ve told you that you’d regret waiting and here I am telling you to do it. Dads can be so confusing. I get it. I had one, too. So let me clarify.

You will have moments when you are happy and you don’t realize it. You won’t see it because it will just be part of your day. You may be playing sports, goofing around with your friends or playing your guitar. You’ll know you’re not sad or angry or tired. But you probably won’t see that for what it is: a nice moment where you are doing something you like and nothing is getting in the way. That’s when I want you to do it.

Wait.

I hope that you will take the time in those moments to slow down and enjoy them. That group of friends with you right then, they won’t always be there. Some may move away. You may finish school and promise to stay in touch, but the world can pull you apart for all kinds of reasons. You may finish your athletic career and sports won’t be as easy to fit in. The point is that whatever it is you are enjoying right then won’t always be. In those moments, I want you to take the time to slow down and enjoy them. Just sit there. Drink it in and wait. Some people call it “being present”. Those people usually do a lot of yoga and drink chai tea so it’s easy to ignore their advice. But they are right. Look around at that group of friends and make a note in your head about how it feels to be there, right then. Take a picture and save it. I promise you’ll be glad you did. Take a second during that baseball game to close your eyes, smell the grass and listen to the sounds of the game. Remember how that guitar feels in your hands and how it felt to finally get that riff down and play it again. These are the moments in a life that make it worth living. They may be small, but there are many of them. More often than not we blow right past them because we’re on to the next thing. The next night out with friends, the next game, the next song. Take the time and drink those moments in. Don’t hurry on to the next thing. Don’t live your life in a hurry. Life is not a shot. It’s a fine beverage meant to be taken in slow sips, not shotgunned from a beer bong.

And if you don’t know what a beer bong is I’ll explain. But you’ll have to wait.

There is a weird emotional alchemy that leads to joy. I’m not talking about being happy. Happy is being content and comfortable in a persistent state. That may not be the dictionary definition. It’s mine. And for the purpose of what I’m trying to say here it’s important to know the difference. Happy is feeling good and being cool with it. It’s nice. Everyone likes being happy. But happy, no matter how much you like it or how good it feels, is not joy. The difference is extremely important.

Joy is feeling about as good as you can possibly feel. While Happy sits comfortably on the couch, sipping a cool drink and being chill, Joy bursts out of you. It cannot be contained. Happy smolders. Joy explodes. There is an old saying that goes “the flame that burns hottest burns half as long”. What I want my sons to understand is that while joy is feeling about as good as it gets, it doesn’t last as long. It comes at you fast and with a riot of emotions. Happy sits with you, shares a drink and tells you that you’re pretty cool. It’s a nice buzz. Joy bursts into the room, sweeps you up in it’s arms and tells you just how damn lucky it is to be here with you right now because you’re just about as awesome as awesome can be. Then it lets you go, holds its arms to the sky and yells “Woohoo!” and walks out the door. Yeah, something like that.

You can be happy. Don’t get me wrong. Happiness is a great thing to have. It beats the hell out of being sad or melancholy. Or worse yet, that gray area of just existing. A lot of people get stuck there. Being happy is way better than that. You could do a lot worse. If you work hard in life and take care of what’s important to you the end result is a lot of happiness. Cool drinks on a nice couch with good friends, metaphorically speaking. It’s wonderful. But it ain’t enough.

How can that be? With so many people who aren’t happy, who are just existing or even worse just plain sad, how can happiness not be enough? The same way crackers taste great when you’re starving. You can live on it for a while but it’s not food. Joy is happiness turned up, to steal from Nigel Tufnel, to 11. If you don’t get that reference now I’m sad.

What’s important in understanding the difference is that happiness can come from hard work, planning, execution, whatever. Joy requires you to care. It means more because you want it more. Happy is being with your family for Christmas. Joy is getting a puppy as a present. It’s the thing you wanted, begged and pleaded for. You had to work to get it, true. But you had to pour your heart and soul into it. And for those who think a kid doesn’t work for what they desperately want for Christmas then you have never heard the story of the Red Ryder bb gun and you’ve made me sad again. The point is that you can feel happy. You remember being joyful. The memory of it will forever stick with you and you’ll look back on it fondly. And you’ll want it again.

Joy does weird things to you. It can make you scream and cry and look like you’re having the worst time ever. I picture countless images of victorious athletes lifting championship trophies over their heads looking like someone ate the last of the ice cream. They don’t always look like this is the best moment of their lives. But that’s all of the effort and exhaustion, the hours of repetitive practice just trying to get a little better than the other guy all coming out of them at once. The juice was worth the squeeze. And damn fine juice it is.

Fortunately, I have had many moments like that in my life. No World Series trophies but a lot of joy. One of those that sticks out was having lunch with one of my boys one on a road trip for work. He was young and wanted to see what dad did for work, so I brought him along. While we sat in the restaurant waiting for our food, I took out my phone and looked up “interesting questions for kids”. He gave them each a lot of thought before answering. He’s always been an old soul like that. It was fun and we were enjoying the time together. Then about four questions in I read “If you could give every kid in the world a gift what would it be?” Without one second of hesitation, this little boy looks right at me, smiled and answered.

“Joy”, he said.

Better than a puppy at Christmas.

I wanted to sweep him up in my arms, tell him how damn lucky I was to be with him right now and that he was about as awesome as awesome could be. But we were in public and it would have gotten weird, fast. Instead, I just stared at him with wonder and pride. I did my best not to scream out and cry right there because that’s the moment my tacos arrived. And that would be a story that waitress would be telling for a long time. This one day she served this guy and his kid, and the guy was really into Mexican food. Like weirdly so.

I don’t know what it feels like to win a World Series. Given my age and lack of elite baseball skills it’s unlikely I ever will. But I know this: I can’t imagine feeling more exhilaration than I did at the very moment my son said that one word. It told me that all the time I spent trying to teach him important things and be a good dad might actually have been working. My boy had a kind soul and that’s all that I could ask for.

There aren’t trophies for parenting. But that moment showed me that there don’t need to be. Joy is enough. And I’ll take as much of it as I can get.

Ben Franklin said that the only certainties in life are death and taxes. My opinion is that he forgot regrets. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who have regrets and those who lie. Part of the human condition is that somewhere in our lives we wish that we had been better, done more or tried harder. There may be something you wish you hadn’t done. Regardless of what you call it, you will want a Mulligan at some point.

I’ve said and done some stupid stuff in my life. I learned something from almost all of it. Some of those things cause me to have regrets. Most of them are harmless and barely consequential. There are a few that were big and are uncomfortable or embarrassing to relive, even if I am the only one who remembers. We aren’t perfect creatures. We shouldn’t pretend to be. You should try to be the best version of yourself whenever you can. But no matter how hard you try, you will fall short of your own expectations. Sometimes that stings a bit.

For me, the things I regret most are where I feel like I fell short as a parent to you boys. I can remember times when I got mad when I shouldn’t have. I remember not being as patient as I should have been. It doesn’t take much to recall when I felt like a bad version of the dad I was trying to be. My guess is that you remember some of them as well but not near as many as I beat myself up over. I know that I don’t have to be a perfect dad. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel profoundly terrible sometimes recalling a look on your face over something I did or said. I know those moments are far outweighed by the hours we’ve spent doing all kinds of activities or talking about all sorts of topics. But to use an analogy I know you’ll both understand, you can go 3 for 3 at the plate and still kick yourself over the easy grounder you missed. That’s okay. You can want to be better. Just don’t beat yourself up over it. Learn from it and move on.

That’s good advice, if I say so myself. Then you become a parent and you start ignoring that kind of advice. I’ve said before that I felt like I was meant to be a dad. I can’t be happier than I am to have you two boys as my sons. You give me endless reasons to be proud of you. That alone should be more of a comfort than anything else that we’re doing the right thing by you as parents. For the most part that’s exactly how I feel. You’re good kids. I like to think we had something to do with that. From the beginning we made an effort to support your activities and interests. I think of the countless games of catch, camping trips, band concerts and such that we’ve done together. Those are some of the best times of my life. But here’s the thing, I am aware that one day you guys won’t be just upstairs practicing guitar or playing PS4 in the family room. You’ll be out in the world making your own way. It’s then that I will regret every time we didn’t play catch or Legos or whatever else it was that I couldn’t do right then. That’s irrational and I know it. I won’t let it wreck my day. But I’ll feel it. Just like I do right now.

Regret is something you cannot avoid no matter how hard you try. You will do, or not do, something important that you will want to go back and fix at some point. You can’t. The best that you can do is sincerely apologize if necessary and keep moving forward. You don’t do yourself any favors ignoring regrets and pretending you don’t have them. But you also don’t get anywhere dwelling on them. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll have regrets. You’re only human. Just go out and be the best one you can.

I once heard a pastor give a sermon called “Proximity Matters”. He wasn’t wrong. I have thought a lot about it since then. For me, church is about the sermon. This one stuck. I don’t know where he is now or what he’s up to. I’m pretty sure he’s not reading a blog meant for my two boys. But if by some chance he is, Pastor Todd, you done good.

The gist of the sermon had two points and a message about Christianity at the end. I’m not covering the churchy part. That’s his job. My job is to raise you two boys to be decent human beings that people are happy to know and be around. In that regard, the message holds true.

The first part is that what and who you choose to spend your time around, the people in places in your proximity, will have a large impact on your life. You stand a better chance of doing well in school if you hang around people to whom grades and academics matter. The same goes for what you do with your time outside of class. Do you go to the library to research subjects? Do you go in early or stay late at school to get extra help? And for the record, hanging around outside of school with the kids who skip class to vape doesn’t count. Though technically you’re in the proximity of the school it’s not going to work. I can tell you from experience as well that having your textbooks near you doesn’t get it done. You have to open and read them occasionally. As much as learning by osmosis would be great it doesn’t work. If I had spent as much time actually studying as I did finding creative ways to not do my homework I would have done much better in school. But getting back to my point, the people and things in your orbit influence you far more than you will ever understand. They also send a message to the world as it sees you. If you hang out with trouble then you’ll find yourself in it a lot. If you spend your time and energy on negative and pessimistic people you will be less likely to be happy. Those two qualities have their uses. They can also drain you of happiness fast. Be careful what kind of people you choose to be around not just for their actions and interests but for their attitudes as well.

That’s the second point. What you put out there influences people in your proximity. What kind of impact do you have on the people around you? Are you fun to be around? Do you make those you care about feel happy and good about themselves? Or are you overly critical and negative? Honest and sincere people are great to be around, even when they are critical at times. That criticism that they give generally is constructive and meant to help improve, not demean or belittle. There is a great poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox called “Solitude”. I read it many years ago and I’ll never forget it. There’s a lot in it about how we deal with having or not having good people in our lives. The beginning alone says a lot:

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone;

For the sad old earth must borrow it’s mirth,

But has trouble enough of it’s own.”

It’s not wrong. We want to be happy. Happy, positive people are far better to be around. So, the question becomes what kind of person are you going to be for the people around you? That is something only you can figure out and it takes years of trial and error to land on. I hope that you boys become the kind of men that inspire and lift up those around you while being true to yourselves and your own nature. It’s not always easy. But it’s not as hard as it sounds either. The world has enough asshats. It’s not full of them, like many people will tell you. It just doesn’t take that many to make it feel that way. Don’t be one of those. Be you, in your own way and it will probably work out just fine. You don’t have to be famous or rich to have an impact on those around you. There is something incredibly rewarding about leading a George Bailey kind of life.

And if you don’t know who he is we can watch that movie together. It lives up to it’s title.

Don’t rejoice in being busy. I have worried on more than one occasion that mom and I have set a bad example for you boys in that regard. Part of that is by accident. Part is, as weird as this may sound, by design. First, let me explain the design part.

We have always wanted you kids to experience a wide variety of things. Try stuff and see how it fits you. Piano, Boy Scouts, sports, music, etc. All those things you do and like at some point were new to you, untried and untested. There are a lot of other activities you may or may not remember. Many didn’t last long. It’s like flavors of ice cream. You try butter brickle because everyone says it’s great and you find out that either they are lying or they have terrible taste in ice cream. Yep, butter brickle is awful. But if you never try it, you never know.  Many of these activities have selfish motivations to them. I can’t express in words how much I love that you both have such a passion for baseball. I could go on about why it’s not only a great sport and a piece of Americana, but also a great metaphor for life. There’s a language to it that we use together all the time. Watching you boys play it is amazing. It’s a gift I cherish. I’m glad soccer never stuck. Had you loved it I am sure I would have felt the same. Maybe. I hope. I mean, it’s soccer so lets just leave it at that.

We’ve also wanted you to understand that sitting around doing nothing is a recipe for disaster. And by “nothing” I mean all the somethings that feel like activity but aren’t. Like video games and social media. They have a place, sure. Nothing wrong with spending some time in mindless entertainment once in a while. Heck, I watched all of “Tiger King” so I can’t judge too harshly. But if you’re not careful you can go down a rabbit hole of uselessness that can be hard to get out of. You only have so much time. Waste a little of it and use the rest wisely. We’ve tried to instill that work ethic in you. If you practice something then you get better at it. If you work hard you are rewarded with the fruits of that labor. There is a lot of satisfaction to a job well done.

But there is a downside to all of this as well. That’s the accidental part I spoke of before. Our schedules are busy. We often run from one thing to the next for days at a time. It can get to be a lot. You will have times in your life like that. When you’re active in a lot of things schedules fill up fast and start to collide with each other. Sometimes you wonder how you got so busy. Actually, you don’t. You know why. You just start to think that maybe you should let a few things go. If you find yourself feeling like that more often than not, then it’s probably time to start clearing your schedule a bit. If you can do that, great. If you can’t then you have to ask yourself why. It’s okay to be busy if it’s filling your time with things you love or feel passionate. Sometimes we just get busy. But the worrisome part is when you start to be proud of it.

Listen to adults talk sometimes. When they first meet up with friends and acquaintances and ask each other how they’ve been what’s one of the first things you hear them say? It’s often about how busy they are. It’s like it’s some weird competition that no one wants to win but secretly keeps trying. Like if we can prove how much busier we are we gain some admiration and standing. It’s kind of sick. You know who we really admire? Retired people. They gave up being busy. They fill their time with things they like or have always wanted to try. We adults think “Someday, I’ll be retired, too” and stare of wistfully into the future.

Yeah, don’t do that. Look, there is a certain amount of things you have to do. You have to mow your lawn, do the laundry, shower. You know, the kind of stuff that makes you look like you have your crap together. You have to work to pay for it as well. Then you’ll have hobbies and passions that will fill more of your time. But if you find yourself feeling like you never have time to do what you want you’d better ask yourself if it’s because you don’t make the time or don’t have the time. If you don’t make it that’s on you. Plan better and do it. If you wasted three hours on snapchat and Youtube then you have a priority problem. But if you can’t find a few hours a week to do what you love then you better start asking yourself what you spend your time doing. Don’t expect others to admire you for how busy you are. They may say they do but that’s because adults don’t always know how to talk to each other in real terms. Instead we use measuring sticks and scales to try to convince each other we’re getting important work done. If we don’t feel accomplished, we can at least sound busy. That may feel like something. But it’s not.

I can say with great confidence that most of the disappointments and difficulties you boys will have in life are because of expectations. Whether they are yours or someone else’s, they are going to cause you problems. Usually because you managed them poorly. Even if you do it well, they are a minefield for human interaction. That may sound apocalyptic, so let me explain.

Think of a time when you’ve been incredibly disappointed. Remember that feeling. Whether it was a pit in your stomach or just a crushing feeling of dread, I bet that memory is pretty clear, and uncomfortable, for you. Now how would you feel if I told you most of it was your fault? Dad isn’t winning any fans with that idea, is he? Before you give up on me think about what disappointed you. My guess was it’s the difference between what you expected and what you got. You had yourself all charged up and excited for something and it didn’t shake out like you thought it would. That can sting a bit. It can be anything from a joke you told your friends that fell flat or wanting something for Christmas that didn’t show up under the tree. What you wanted and what you got were two very different outcomes.

Now, you’re human so it’s hard to not have expectations. Unless you’re a Vulcan (yes, I made a Star Trek reference) you won’t have much luck avoiding them. We’re emotional creatures. We like to know what to expect. But as a wise man once said, no plan survives first contact with the enemy. Life would be a lot easier if we could just take it as it comes and live in the moment. We’re not wired like that though. We plan for stuff. That’s not a bad thing. It’s probably why your ancestors survived everything they had to go through. It helps to know that winter is coming and you’re going to have to eat and stay warm.

But that same part of us that wants to plan starts to get attached to those ideas. Plans come with expectations attached. Imagine planning a surprise party for mom. Think of all the time and detail you’d go through to make it special for her. You’re already picturing how it would go when she walked in the door and all her friends and family yelled “surprise!” Now imagine she said that she doesn’t like surprises. Think about how you’d feel. You’d feel that way because the picture you had didn’t match the reality you got. Life is easier without expectations, right? Good luck with that.

The secret is not to avoid them. The key is being able to roll with what you get. You can imagine how it will go. Just don’t invest yourself in that feeling. I know that sounds cold. I don’t mean it that way. It’s a lot easier to live in the moment than it is to explain to your kids how to do it. You generally get there through suffering some big disappointments. To use the surprise party example, instead of beating yourself for someone else reacting differently than you expected, tell yourself you did your best and enjoy the party. Lemonade from lemons, as the saying goes.

What you will find is that as difficult as reigning in your own expectations is, it’s nothing like trying to manage someone else’s. You know yourself pretty well. You know what you like and what you don’t. You have a good idea of how you’ll react to most situations. Other people are wild cards. That’s where life gets really interesting. Not only can you not expect other people to have expectations, you will be shocked how unreasonable some of them are. For example, if you ever date a woman who needs a “birthday week’, run. But I digress.

Look, it’s best to let people know what’s coming when you can. There’s a reason the nurse says “this is going to hurt” before they give you a shot. Actually, they usually don’t say anything. But notice they never say, “you won’t feel a thing”. They know that’s a lie and you’re going to hate them for it. If you understand that you can’t begin to control other’s expectations, you learn to manage them. You tell your boss you can’t get that report done in a day. But give them an honest expectation of your work. Then crush it. If your kids think they’re going to Disneyworld for spring break you better let them know if it’s not happening. Otherwise there’s a lot of crying and things get ugly. Oh, then the kids cry, too.

One of my favorite book characters has a saying, “Expect the best but plan for the worst”. It’s not a bad motto. The Boy Scouts (yeah, I still call them that) say “be prepared”. This is all good advice. You can’t avoid disappointment. It’s part of the human condition. But if you’re realistic with yourself and can let others know what to expect form you or the situation you will find that life is going be significantly more satisfying. Living in the moment isn’t always possible but if you can nail how to do it, even if it’s infrequently, you’ll find yourself happier more often than not. Letting go of expectations isn’t always easy. Do dad a favor and give it a try once in a while.

I hate to break it to you boys but there is a last time for everything. Now, I know you know that, at least on an intellectual level. Everything that starts has a finish. You get it. It doesn’t surprise you. But I’m here to tell you it’s going to shock you in ways that you don’t quite understand yet.

See, you guys are young. Though you have seen and experienced a lot there’s still so much life ahead of you that it’s hard to grasp not having what you already have. Life is great and the good times are rolling. You’ve had some disappointments, for sure. But for the most part you live in the land of milk and honey. That’s an old person phrase you may have to look up. It means good stuff. Trust me on that one.

I want to be clear that I’m not talking strictly about loss. You guys have seen our old dog pass. You get that people don’t last forever. Loss is another topic altogether. It’s related but it’s not where I’m going with this. What I trying to impress upon you boys is that there are “lasts” for so many things that you never see coming. One day you’re doing something just like every other day. It’s full of routine and things you take for granted. You tacitly expect that it will always be this way. And then it’s not.

You may not notice it at first. One day you were doing it and then time passes and you realize it doesn’t happen anymore. I remember fondly all the times you guys rode on my shoulders. Whether because you were little and it was easier to carry you or so you could see better at some event. I’d get tired or you wanted to get down to do something. Then we’d do it all over again the next day.

Then one day we didn’t. I don’t know why. You didn’t get big overnight. It just sort of happens. I think about that a lot. One day I took you off my shoulders and set you down to run off to your next adventure. And it just never happened again. There was no ceremony. No comment about how dad couldn’t keep doing this forever. Nothing. It was a moment that just passed and I never noticed it. Mostly because I didn’t know it had happened. Now there are moments like that I think about a lot.

I can’t remember the last time I played catch with my dad. I loved baseball and played every summer as a kid. I even played some in college and after. But catch ended with dad somewhere before that. I don’t know why. There are all sorts of reasons and circumstances, most of which are invisible to me now. But there was a summer evening somewhere in there that we finished playing, walked into house, probably talking about all kinds of things and put our gloves away. And that was it. It never happened again. Somehow that makes me sad.

It really shouldn’t. All good things end. Bad things do, too. But either we don’t notice those or we celebrate them ending. Instead of thinking about the end that I couldn’t know or didn’t see I should think fondly on all of the times it happened. I do. But that last time still haunts me in a very small way. It makes me think of all of the other “lasts” that I couldn’t have known about. I’ve had friends I hugged and said “see you later” and never did again. I can’t remember my last baseball game. One day I jogged of the field after that last out and that was it. I fully intended to be back. Just never was. I do remember that last time I went skiing. It was in Vail, Colorado with a friend from college. I just didn’t know that was it. I popped my skis off at the end of the day. Just never went again. And one day, not that long ago it seems, I set you down for the last time.

I know this all seems sad. You’re thinking dad is getting all nostalgic and weepy. Maybe a little. But what I want you to take from this is something completely different. I want you to assume the last. What I mean by that is I want you to enjoy each moment for what it is. That group of friends you hang with will one day scatter to the four winds. You may keep in touch and get back together to catch up. However, you may not all be together to share the moment that way again. You won’t know when your last baseball game is. So every time you’re out there, smelling the fresh cut grass and feeling the well worn leather of your glove, the crack of the bat and explosive cheers of your friends as the ball lands safely in the outfield, remember all of those moments. Revel in them. When you meet up with friends and hang out late into the night talking about life and music and relationships, take a second to look around and drink it all in. Feel it while it’s there and let it fill your soul. You may not always know when it has come to an end. But you will thank yourself for appreciating it while it was happening to you.

Anger is like salt. It’s okay in small doses but eventually it corrodes everything it touches. Think about it like you’re eating something that tastes a little bland. You might think a little salt could make it better. Too much and it’s ruined. Worse yet, the line between the two can be pretty thin. And while I will caution you against it, like salt there is a time and place for anger when used sparingly.

I understand it’s easy to say “don’t get angry” and just be patient with people and circumstances. Trust me, as a guy who has wasted a lot of time being angry about things I couldn’t control, I know how hard it is just let it go sometimes. There are moments when it hits you for whatever reason and it’s difficult to not react like a bull seeing a red flag waving at you. When that happens to you the last thing on your mind is that you should count to ten and calm down. What you need to know is that anger is just the beginning of a lot of other, more unappealing emotions. If you let it grab you too hard and fast then anger can become rage. Rage is bad. Let it sit with you too long and it breeds resentment and even vengeance. There are a lot of bad results down that path: hatred, animosity, cruelty. In short, nothing good. If you choose to wallow too long in those emotions, if you get comfortable with that kind of feeling, it will eat right through your soul.

Ok, so dad says anger is a bad thing. But it has to be good for something, right? Well boys, I’m glad you asked. I am a firm believer that everything has an upside. It may not always be equal, but there is good and bad in everything. I’ve warned you about everything wrong with getting angry. Now let me tell you how to salt your emotional soup with just the right amount of anger.

Like I said before, anger is the gateway to a lot of negative emotions. It’s also a great motivator. We’ve all heard the stories of kids who faced down bullies. The seed of that comes from anger. You’re tired of being picked on. You’re fed up with being scared. You get mad. Then you decide to make your stand. Good bad or otherwise you draw your line in the sand and say that it’s going to end here. There is tremendous power in that. You harness that anger and turn it into something productive. It becomes strength. Or you can do nothing, let it fester and spend the rest of your life regretting it. Then it really gets ugly and sticks with you for a very long time. It may even twist you in ways that you never imagined. In short, not good. But it’s the difference between using it for good or letting it take over and ruin your soup. Only it’s not soup, it’s…yeah, okay. I went a long way with that soup thing.

Salt is necessary. It’s part of what makes up the building blocks of life. There is a reason the phrase “worth his salt” means something is valuable. The Romans paid their soldiers in it because it was rare and expensive. Anger is one of those building blocks as well. It’s hard to have any deep emotions when you don’t have the basic ones like anger. But unlike salt it’s not rare. There’s a lot of it. Far more than one needs. It’s cheap and easy but just as corrosive. So you have to be careful with it. Don’t let it make you into the kind of person you don’t want to be. It would be damn near impossible to never get angry. The fact that you can feel means you’ll get angry. But you don’t have to be angry. Those two things are very different. And that distinction can be the difference between being happy or spending your time and energy being miserable. Learn to understand anger and use it. Just don’t choose it.

You can do it. Just keep in mind it’s not going to help. The sooner you learn that the more time and anxiety you’ll save yourself. There’s no shortage of things in life that can cause you to worry. Some of it is worth it. Most of it isn’t. Some of if you can control. Most of it you can’t. One thing is for certain and that’s worrying never did anyone much good at all.

I’m not telling you to be some sort of psycho or robot and not give a damn about anything. Being human means that you will worry. Being a parent makes it even worse. That’s just a heads up for you in the future. However, one thing I have learned over time is that the kinds of things that cause you to fret fall into a couple of different categories.

The first is a whole mess of things that you simply can’t control. There is no sense in worrying if it’s going to rain, for example. Maybe you shouldn’t have planned your wedding outside in April but in the end, that’s on you. There are plenty of circumstances that you can’t change no matter what you do. Like rain. It’s going to happen, or not happen, and there’s not a damn thing that you can do about it. Worry all you want but it’s just wasted effort and lost sleep.

The second group is stuff that you can have some say in. The worrying usually comes from not being prepared enough. You can sweat about whether or not you have enough money for retirement, but did you save like you should have? That is certainly worth worrying about. It’s also almost one hundred percent under your control. So if you’re lying awake in the middle of the night trying to do retirement math I guess a lot of that is on you. Take the time to figure it out, use the tools you have at hand or ask for advice from people who know and you’ll get a lot more sleep.

Finally, there are plenty of items you’ll worry over that aren’t worth your time. In fact, worrying about stuff like this may just rob you of the best times of your life. Let’s say for example, that some day you like a girl. Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m being serious. Anyway, you like this girl and you want to tell her but you worry you’ll look foolish, she’ll say she doesn’t like you or your friends will laugh. Or maybe all of that would happen. Then you’ll feel stupid and embarrassed and the world will end right then and there. Here’s the thing: none of that is worth worrying about. Despite your best efforts you will look foolish or stupid at times in your life. Your friends will laugh. Sometimes you’ll deserve it. And whether or not you want to believe it you may like a girl someday that doesn’t like you back. Hey, I said stop rolling your eyes at me. In the end, it’s dumb to worry about any of that. Worse yet, it may cause you to not do anything fun or adventurous. You’ll limit yourself or have less excitement in your life because you’re afraid of looking bad. You’ll look bad. Get used to it. And keep in mind you’re here because a guy got up the nerve to talk to a girl he liked. Kind of puts it in perspective for ya, huh? Dad isn’t so dumb after all.

There’s plenty in life to fret over. Most of it is dumb and not worth the energy or brainpower you’ll spend on it. It’s illogical and doesn’t solve a thing. That doesn’t mean you won’t worry that an asteroid will smash into the earth tomorrow. You can’t avoid worry. It’s part of the human condition. Just understand that you can’t let it rule you. But big rocks falling from the sky not only are unlikely, but they also shouldn’t stop you from living your life. Don’t freak out over the weather. Dress for it and get out of the house. Life is short. Don’t spend it worrying.

It’s an extremely misunderstood concept. For example, you’ve probably heard about the “luck of the Irish”. Most people believe that means they are lucky. I mean, they’ve got all those four-leaf clovers and leprechauns so they must be lucky. In reality, it’s an ironic comment on how bad the Irish had it when they came to this country. In other words, they weren’t that lucky. Most of them had a pretty miserable existence at the time.

You may have heard that “it’s better to be lucky than good”. Maybe once in a while. But over the long haul I’ll take good over luck. One of my all-time favorites is the “if I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I use the word “favorite” sarcastically. If you’re around someone who says that a lot and believes it then start hanging with other people. That’s someone who likes to feel sorry for themselves. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Luck is funny in that it depends on your perspective. What seems like luck to some people may in actuality be a lot of hard work and sacrifice. If you do a search for quotes about luck you’ll find dozens of them from successful people who have a skeptical view of luck. Movie stars, athletes, authors, etc. Most of what they have to say about luck is a variation of “the harder I work the luckier I get.” What they mean is that luck can certainly play a part in success, but it’s no substitute for discipline, effort and sweat.

Luck is fine. But you can’t bank on it. Lady Luck is fickle and there is no telling who she will decide to lavish her affections on. Waiting around for her to decide if you’ll be her dance partner is wasted time. Best to get to work and, as Ernest Hemingway said, make your own luck. You do that by showing up every day and applying yourself at what it is that you want to do. If you’re building a business that means long hours. Improving your baseball swing involves taking rep after rep. If you want to be a better writer start a blog and write to your kids about things you want them to know. I know a guy who does that. He’s pretty cool.

I promise you that if you work at something you will get better at it. Maybe not as good as you want to be. That baseball swing might not get you to the majors but it might get you a varsity spot or state title. Generally, your results are directly proportional to your effort. When you fall short of where you want to be you have to honestly ask yourself if it’s lack of ability or industry. It’s my belief that it’s usually the latter. That can be a hard pill to swallow, realizing you fell short not because of bad luck but because you didn’t do the work.

I will also promise you that when you do succeed at what you work for someone else will dismiss that work as you just being lucky. That might bother you. Okay, it will bother you. There is no shortage of excuses other people will make for not achieving the same level that you have. They are struggling with why they didn’t do as well when of course they were just as good, if not better, than you. It has to be your good luck. It can’t be their lack of preparation. You have to let that noise go. Let them whine about it. Take your chips and go home, satisfied with your winnings. Oh, and remember to buy your dad something nice.

Sometimes you do get a break. You can get lucky. The card you need hits on the River and you win the pot. There’s no denying that. You can be born with advantages and waste them. You can be connected and squander those relationships. Maybe you start with more money. That’s no guarantee you’ll use it well or even keep it. Luck doesn’t hold up repeatedly over time. It fails. The Lady finds other dance partners. Luck is a thing to be respected and appreciated. It should only be relied on when there is nothing else left. Enjoy good luck while it lasts. Just don’t count on it. Do the work and you’ll be happier with the results. There is no amount of luck that beats hard work in the marathon of life. So lace those shoes up and get running.